‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
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[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me