in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m Sold!
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently