I’ve had worse
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him