If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.