6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me, flirting😏
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go