One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*exercises sarcastically*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.