I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Stop it! 😂
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Feels
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.