when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,