My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.