Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.