Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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