science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.