I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.