Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
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i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“A little help here, Danny?”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant