We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Is this you?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]