Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Milk Cube
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
i will avenge u mr van gogh
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Please do it!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no