I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Lmao 🤣
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.