95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
You Might Also Like
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[montage of me giving-up]