Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”