Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done