the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
every college guy’s fridge
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards