My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
What?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.