Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
United Steaks of America
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
*aggressively waits in line*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale