ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.