I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My dress code is business-casualty.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.