Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The funk soul brother
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE