My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
You Might Also Like
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular