If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
You Might Also Like
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Just a friendly reminder!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.