My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.