“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.