Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
This checks out
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Can’t. Being lazy.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.