Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
You Might Also Like
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???