me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
That’s amazing.