[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.