kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit