I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
A friend helps you before you need it
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Oh no 😂😂💔😭