I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You Might Also Like
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
wow
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….