Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
i spent way too long on this
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no