Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️