Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
You Might Also Like
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”