I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order