Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.