I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night