I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
You Might Also Like
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….