Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter