“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
u spoke cat all this time??????
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.