The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.