Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.