ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.