In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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